So I'm gonna blog this out both for my own peace of mind and so that anyone who cares can give me their input...
Out of the clear blue sky I have a desire to go back to school. OUT OF NOWHERE! Just a week or so ago I was heard saying "I'm SO glad I'm not in school..."So who knows why...but it happened.
So here's what I'm thinking...
I want to graduate with my BS in Communication Studies next Spring, so I can walk with Benjamin when he gets his degree.
I have 57 more credits to do so...
I would need 37 Communications credits, a math class, and some electives of my choosing.
I took some Comm. classes towards my Associates and LOVED them. I really think I'd love this major.
I could take 2/3 of my classes online. And the classes I'd have to take in a class room would be during times when Ben could be home with Connor- so no babysitter.
It would be FREE thanks to Pell grants...
I'd have a degree that could never expire...
What I'm afraid of:
Missing even one moment of Connor's life..
Getting so tired I have no energy to be a good mom.
That I'm being selfish.
That I can't do it all.
Did I mention missing a single moment of Connor's life?
I realize that I'm lucky to not have to work..and a lot of mothers miss out on those 20-40 hours per week with their babies. I know it'd only be about 6 hours per week in the fall that I'd not see him...but is it selfish? I wanted a baby for SO long..now I have him and I have this sudden urge to do something that has nothing to do with him!
Is guilt just programmed into a mother's heart anytime she spends time away from her little ones?
I want to do the right thing..and I'm excited about school...but then I look at Connor and how much he loves me..and I'm scared he'll be let down.
Comments?
7 comments:
I stumbled onto your blog, I don't know if you remember me but we use to work at the movie theater together in H.S. (I am Erica's cousin). Anyways I just read your post and I can totally relate. I have two kids a 3 year old and a one year old( I am also a stay at home mom) and decided last fall that I wanted to go back to school. I just finished my first semester back and I really feel like I am a better mother, wife and person because of it. It feels so good to learn something because I enjoy it, I have more patience with my kids, more to talk about with my husband and even though it can get crazy my kids don't really care because they love you no matter what and it is so much easier to go when they are little. Well that is how I feel, I say go for it you wont regret it. Let me know if you are interested in seeing my blog email me at carlybringhurst{at}yahoo.com
Carly Everett
oh the GUILT. It never leaves, and it's the one thing no one talks about. I can't even bare to leave the house longer than an hour and a half for fear the babe will get hungry (and will be given one of the many meals I have frozen in the freezer) and I will miss a feeding. I don't know why we do it to ourselves. Like me for example, milk is in the freezer for a reason, for back up. Why do I make myself feel guilty for missing a feeding when I spent the time pumping for the little guy? AHHHH sometimes I could scream! Its a never ending circle.
As for school, I feel you. I catch myself daydreaming often about being done having children and in 6 short years having them both in school all day so I can dive back into school, nursing perhaps. Who knows what will happen, or if we are done having kids...but I'm feeling the urge as well. Its just goes to say the path is never set in stone.
I am the exact opposite on the school thing. I often have nightmares of having to go back to school. I don't know what it is.
But I am 100% with you on the guilty thing. I can't hardly stand leaving my kids. However, it does make you a better mom and wife to get out for a minute. Absence makes a heart grow fonder right? If you feel the desire to go to school and can do it, go for it. Follow your dreams girl!
I say go for it! I was done with school when I had Spencer but I decided I wanted to work a few Saturdays a month and at first I felt really guilty for leaving him but now I realize that some of the best bonding times Matt has with Spencer are while I'm at work. I think having the mommy gone every now and then forces the daddy to really learn how to handle the baby. I know Matt has a sense of accomplishment when he can take care of Spencer on his own. Plus it will only get harder as you have more kids. There's my two cents. Good luck deciding!
No, no, no you are not selfish. The one thing I learned in Minnesota is that I have to take care of myself first before I can take care of anyone else. I think it will be SO healthy for you. It is so wonderful to learn AND you will be teaching Connor how important it is to go to school and learn. :) You will be perfect, even if you don't feel like your "responablities" as a wife and mother may not feel perfect, that is when my brother steps in! You guys will make a perfect team.
It was sooooo fun to see you guys. We can't wait to see you again.
I, too, have to interject on this one. Baby is so little right now, you will soon realize it get busier and busier just trying to keep the house clean and food on the table. There is no time right now to go to school and you will just run yourself ragged! The next 10 years will go by so fast and when all your kids are in school you can take a class or two. Not that I don't agree with having to get out of the house, do something that takes you away for a couple of hours but that leaves your mind free for when you come home. Kara's right about the guilt though, no matter what you do you'll feel it. Just know we ALL are feeling it and we ALL are wondering if we need to go back to school. My plan is in 10 years. Maybe that's bad though, I don't know! Good luck lady!
One thing I know, is that you will never regret time spent with your little one...
Pray about it. As cheesy as that may sound, it is the only way you will know that your decision is the right one.
Either way, you are a good mom, so don't feel guilty!
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